When something happens in your life, what position do you take? Are you stoic and positive. Do you decided that the smart thing to do when there is turmoil is to take a few days and sleep on it? Does screaming your pain out help, do you need a hit something until your knuckles bleed? Or can you breathe through the anguish and decide that tomorrow’s a new day and no matter what happened there’s always something worse out there.
These are the kind of things that I wish I could do. I wish I was the kind of mature, confident person that can say, after being burnt, that it can all work out. But I am neither confident or sure enough in myself to be able to say I take that position in everything. I tried. After a recent situation shook me to my core and made me question the roles of everyone in my life, I decided that being closed off and suspicious of the world was going to get me nowhere. All it did was alienate me from life. College life helped me open up and find people who had similar interests and really brought me out of the protective shell I’d safely ensconced myself in. It helped me decide that there was a life outside my bubble and I did want to explore it. Not all people were dark and shady and out to hurt me. That was just my insecurity and crippling anxiety trying to keep me in the throes of depression. Trust didn’t always lead to heart break, relationships don’t always lead to betrayal. Right? I’d made a vow to start believing that, allow myself to heal. Let the scars mend. Make sure I didn’t become one of those cynical young women who looks at everyone as a potential enemy. Because despite what my head kept telling me, there were people in my life, proving to me daily, that that wasn’t the case.
See I’m the type that once I’ve been hurt, I shut that door forever, which is why I asked what your position is when there is instability in your life. The only people I’ve never shut the door on is my family. Which I can’t even say truthfully, because I had washed my hands of a family member after being so hurt I thought I’d never recover. Without trying to talk to him, or sorting through it or giving myself the time I deserved to work through it. This, I’m quite ashamed to admit, lasted for a year I believe. That’s how hurt I was, how disheartened and shaken my world had been. And it made me think that instead of jumping off a bridge when I think the world is ending, I needed to take a step back, bunker down and wait for the storm to pass. That outlook on life helped break my negative, outlook on life and people in general. And my life has been blessed since.
But I find myself in a situation quite like I’d been in in high school, as that awkward, unaware, ignorant teenager, who didn’t know much of anything outside of my own little school bubble. Back when everything seemed like the end of the world. When the first thing I did was react. I jumped when I thought there was no other option. I’m older now, I’ve matured and I hope that I can make better decisions. Which brings me to my current problem. Here I am faced yet again, with another childish, high school like problem, with someone whom I’ve trusted for years. With someone whom I’ve had a long, fulfilled friendship with. But through those years, like all relationships, we’ve had ups and downs. Downs that have been very down. This all comes on the heels of someone from high school, who recently broke up with a boyfriend who needs friends that she ditched when she got said boyfriend.
So my question is, do I let myself take the time to think it over, when even with time I’m still feeling like finishing that chapter, closing and locking that door forever. Is a relationship that always leads to one being left out in the dark, cold, alone and hurt worth it? I’ve taken a back seat to everyone in my life. There has always been someone more important to the people in my life. Something or someone rather, more interesting or more fun. In my own life shouldn’t I be in the driver’s seat, rather than trying to see from the backseat?
Don’t we, no matter our past, present or inevitable future deserve to be treating with respect. Don’t we deserve to surround ourselves with people who treat us right, who make us happy, who bring out the absolute best in us? Is it worth it to fight for something, to cling to something that is all lies and pain and heartache? Do you forgive and forget and leave yourself open to a new world of pain and betrayal, or do you put your foot down and say I deserve better, I’m going to start demanding better?