Blood of a broken heart

It’s the scars from my already blackened heart

The lies from my already bloodied soul

It’s who you’ve turned me into

Closed myself off from the pain

I’m what you’ve created

Yet you turn your back on me

On what I’ve become

The blood of a broken heart

Is what you see when you fall asleep

What haunts you throughout your day

My blood on your hands

The blood you can’t wash off

Look me in the eyes

Face me and what you’ve done

I feel nothing

But the pain you’ve caused me

Do you truly know who you are?

What you are

Can you see my soul?

Do you notice my bloodied heart?

The blood you caused

Can you hear my lies?

They’re the lies

You at once

Told me

The lies I once

Let consume me

It’s the blood of a broken heart

The heart

I trusted you with

The heart you broke

It’s the soul

That you’ve crushed

The day

You realize what you’ve lost

Is the day I’ll no longer care

The day

You’ll be just another scar

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Look at me

Do you see the person you once did?

The person you once loved

Look at me

Tell me who

You now see

Is it the same person I see

Staring at me in the mirror

Or can you no longer see

The pain in my eyes

Can you look at me

And believe what your heart tells you

If you knew who I’ve become

Could you face me?

Could you think of me as the little girl you once knew

If you saw

Into my soul

I can no longer face

What I’ve become

I can no longer see

What lies within my heart

The lies have become my world

The monsters in my closet

Have become my demons

Look at me

And tell me if you can see

The demons

The haunt my world


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Fallen Angels

The sky is falling

Raining angels from the heavens

But the angels have lost their wings

Yet so have all the souls that have been damned

Cursed to this place

Where the devil is held captive in the depths of all the innocent

Can you guess the pain that they know

The monsters eating at the hearts of thousands

Are you blind?

Or do you choose not to see?

Do you see the blood of millions

Spilled onto the streets

For their own wild contentment

The world has decided that we have had our run

It’s our time to leave

Our hearts have been caged

Lost to our own personal torment

The monsters that have been captive

Been released

There is no cure to this

No antidote to our own personal poison

Our fallen angels are no saviours

Only a mirror into our own dark souls

A door way to your own version of hell

Our angels have forsaken us

Left us, but not to die

To live through our hell

To search our earth for an antidote

Our venom is our own beating heart

Our own caged beast

Your own personal monster

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I laid my head on my pillow upset with life

Not knowing something bigger was about to happen

Not knowing the pain you were going through

Sitting at the table

Staring at the knife

Considering whether to take your life

You’ve been through a lot

But this isn’t the way

I think of my life without you

And I don’t think that I can do it

We may not be close now

And we may not be ever

But you are still my brother and without you, life wouldn’t be the same

I’ve looked up to you my whole life

And couldn’t bear this world without you

What would make you put the knife down?

What can make you keep the knife down and never pick it up

What will make you stay?

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What would you do if I told you I loved you?

If I slit my wrists would you cry

If I cried would you comfort me

If I felt unsafe would you hold me

What would you do if I told you I loved you

Cause when I slit my wrists you laughed

When I cried you walked away

When I needed you

You weren’t there

So tell me, why act like you can’t live without me

When you’ve never shed a tear over me

Never showed any compassion

What would you do if I left you

When I knew you needed me

Walked away like you’ve done so many other times

If I slit my wrists would you notice the scars

Wipe the blood

If I cried

Would you notice my tears

Would you dry my eyes

Prove to me I’m as important as you say

Cause you haven’t noticed the scars

You haven’t noticed the tears

What’s the point of you?

Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much

So why do I love you?

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Lie to me…

Lie to me

As you would a child no older than four

Tell me

That the world

Is not what it seems

That all I have to worry about

Is a scratch on my knee

From falling from my bike

Lie to me

Tell me…that my broken heart

Is nothing but something that can be kissed away

My innocence had been swept away

Like the waves of an ocean

My heart has been blackened

From the lies

Tell me that my world is not what I think it is

Make me believe that this pain

Like the rain

Will eventually fade

The horrors

Of this

That is our world

Has stolen

What I once was

Lie to me

Not to hurt

But to deceive

From the truth

That cannot be held

Lie to me

Protect me

From what I cannot protect myself

Save me from the lies of those

Meant to break me

Save the last bit

Of who I once was

Save me from what I cannot bear

Lie to me

And save me from myself

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Inner turmoil

When something happens in your life, what position do you take? Are you stoic and positive. Do you decided that the smart thing to do when there is turmoil is to take a few days and sleep on it? Does screaming your pain out help, do you need a hit something until your knuckles bleed? Or can you breathe through the anguish and decide that tomorrow’s a new day and no matter what happened there’s always something worse out there.

These are the kind of things that I wish I could do. I wish I was the kind of mature, confident person that can say, after being burnt, that it can all work out. But I am neither confident or sure enough in myself to be able to say I take that position in everything. I tried. After a recent situation shook me to my core and made me question the roles of everyone in my life, I decided that being closed off and suspicious of the world was going to get me nowhere. All it did was alienate me from life. College life helped me open up and find people who had similar interests and really brought me out of the protective shell I’d safely ensconced myself in. It helped me decide that there was a life outside my bubble and I did want to explore it. Not all people were dark and shady and out to hurt me. That was just my insecurity and crippling anxiety trying to keep me in the throes of depression. Trust didn’t always lead to heart break, relationships don’t always lead to betrayal. Right? I’d made a vow to start believing that, allow myself to heal. Let the scars mend. Make sure I didn’t become one of those cynical young women who looks at everyone as a potential enemy. Because despite what my head kept telling me, there were people in my life, proving to me daily, that that wasn’t the case.

See I’m the type that once I’ve been hurt, I shut that door forever, which is why I asked what your position is when there is instability in your life. The only people I’ve never shut the door on is my family. Which I can’t even say truthfully, because I had washed my hands of a family member after being so hurt I thought I’d never recover. Without trying to talk to him, or sorting through it or giving myself the time I deserved to work through it. This, I’m quite ashamed to admit, lasted for a year I believe. That’s how hurt I was, how disheartened and shaken my world had been. And it made me think that instead of jumping off a bridge when I think the world is ending, I needed to take a step back, bunker down and wait for the storm to pass. That outlook on life helped break my negative, outlook on life and people in general. And my life has been blessed since.

But I find myself in a situation quite like I’d been in in high school, as that awkward, unaware, ignorant teenager, who didn’t know much of anything outside of my own little school bubble. Back when everything seemed like the end of the world. When the first thing I did was react. I jumped when I thought there was no other option. I’m older now, I’ve matured and I hope that I can make better decisions. Which brings me to my current problem. Here I am faced yet again, with another childish, high school like problem, with someone whom I’ve trusted for years. With someone whom I’ve had a long, fulfilled friendship with. But through those years, like all relationships, we’ve had ups and downs. Downs that have been very down. This all comes on the heels of someone from high school, who recently broke up with a boyfriend who needs friends that she ditched when she got said boyfriend.

So my question is, do I let myself take the time to think it over, when even with time I’m still feeling like finishing that chapter, closing and locking that door forever. Is a relationship that always leads to one being left out in the dark, cold, alone and hurt worth it? I’ve taken a back seat to everyone in my life. There has always been someone more important to the people in my life. Something or someone rather, more interesting or more fun. In my own life shouldn’t I be in the driver’s seat, rather than trying to see from the backseat?

Don’t we, no matter our past, present or inevitable future deserve to be treating with respect. Don’t we deserve to surround ourselves with people who treat us right, who make us happy, who bring out the absolute best in us? Is it worth it to fight for something, to cling to something that is all lies and pain and heartache? Do you forgive and forget and leave yourself open to a new world of pain and betrayal, or do you put your foot down and say I deserve better, I’m going to start demanding better?

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